Day 15: A Bible Verse

Psalm 23 

1 The Lord is my shepherd; I shall not want.

He maketh me to lie down in green pastures: he leadeth me beside the still waters.

He restoreth my soul: he leadeth me in the paths of righteousness for his name’s sake.

Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil: for thou art with me; thy rod and thy staff they comfort me.

Thou preparest a table before me in the presence of mine enemies: thou anointest my head with oil; my cup runneth over.

Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life: and I will dwell in the house of the Lord forever.

 

This was the very first Bible verse my mom made me memorize. I think I was 5 or 6 then. I mentioned on one of my previous entries (see Day 10: Something I’m Afraid Of)  that I have always been afraid of the dark. It terrifies me being in the dark, so I actually sleep with the lights on.  But yeah, growing up I have always been such a scaredy-cat. Mostly because of the things I watch on TV with my brothers, or the stories I hear from the other kids and grown ups. This Bible verse has helped me get through moments when I get really scared.

Now I’m grown up, although I still get scared,  I am comforted that everywhere I go—and not just in moments of fear, God will always be with me.

Day 14: A Picture That I Love

Piano Recital 2012

January 2012 Recital. Performing Brahms’ Waltz in A-Flat Major, Op. 39.

Out of all the 6 piano recitals I’ve done since 1st year to 4th year, I only have 4 pictures. This by far is my favorite.

I love this photo because this was my last piano recital before I took a break from school. This piece was one of my favorites, and in this recital I felt I did justice to the music, after all of my botched recitals in the past. This was also the piece I played when I auditioned for the music program when I entered Silliman, except that I didn’t get to finish playing the entire thing. Actually, come to think of it, this became my entrance and exit piece in Silliman. Haha.

I also love this photo because it reminds me of my love of playing the piano.In that same semester, I wasn’t able to make it to my final jury in piano.  I felt disheartened and thought of myself as a failure. I have put off playing for a long time after I took a break from school. I have a lot of excuses but in the end it was really just a lack of discipline and perseverance on my part, and it also didn’t help that I get anxiety attacks  each time I go to my lesson. I could have been better with my piano, I could have worked harder, I could have put up a fight with my anxieties, but no, I didn’t. I never did.

Hmm, seems useless to dwell on it now. But it still does bother me a lot though, because this is one thing I still haven’t given up on, and never will.  So for summer, I have planned to resume my piano lessons and maybe take voice lessons as well if the budget allows. And if things work out in my favor, I will be shifting to Early Childhood Education, but still have my piano and voice lessons.

So, wish me the best! :)

 

Day 13: My Goals

Recently I have been juggling thoughts about what I really want to do, or accomplish in life. It has bummed me so much that I end up wallowing in sorrow for the past couple of days—crying to sleep and waking up feeling so useless and lost. Well, actually the last bit was just the other night and yesterday morning. And to think I was excited to make this entry.

In the middle of writing this, I realized that I am actually more of a dreamer. I dream of doing so many things. I dream of having my own clubhouse for kids, open up an ukulele shop with a cafe that has a bookshelf as a wall and a reading corner, take part in musical theatre, dance tap and ballet, learn the art of cooking and bartending, do calligraphy, do web dev and programming again, teach humanities and music education in college and so on. Because of these many things I wish to do, I get confused, and my goals get all muddled up.

Although I am still so unsure of what I want to do, there are a few immediate goals that I do want to accomplish as soon as possible:

1. Graduate in Early Childhood Education. All the while taking piano lessons & voice. (Optional: dance lessons on ballet & tap). This is my way of venting my frustrations on participating in musical theatre. 

2. Pass the LET.  Maybe take the Musikgarten/Kindermusik short-term programs while at it. These are programs that I could use for my future kids’ clubhouse.

3. Take MA in Child Psychology or MM in Music Education in UST.   Even though I want to have the kids’ clubhouse I would also like the option of teaching Music Education in college.

Those top 3 are my priorities at the moment. I don’t even know when I could or IF I could do them. I think that’s what depresses and dreads me the most—why I was so bothered this whole time thinking about all of this. It was because I was scared, scared that I won’t be able to accomplish them and end up miserable in life.

Currently the feeling of unsettledness is creeping into me, and my self-esteem is plummeting fast and hard. Is it because it’s that time of the year? It was the same last year and the years before that, ever since 2009, the year when I was SUPPOSED to graduate.  I usually don’t get depressed because I know life is not a race, and it’s never too late, but the past few days has just not been kind to me. No, nothing happened to me exactly, it is more like an internal battle going on inside me.

But there’s no point dwelling on that really.

For now, I will leave you with that short list of goals and maybe I shall revisit and update it when I have thoroughly thought things through and actually prayed about it.

Day 12: What I Believe In

I have been racking my brains on what to write about this topic. For a while, I really questioned myself, what exactly do I believe in? There are so many things I do believe in, but I could not seem to articulate them properly, until a few days ago. I was just lying on my bed one afternoon and I suddenly thought of the Bible verses I have learned growing up. These Bible verses were the ones I have learned in Sunday School at church. I’ve memorized these and a lot more back then. No, I am not what you would call religious, but I do value my faith although that might not be evident because I have not been practicing it, and not even going to church anymore. (life struggles and the like, personal stuff). But anyway, after all those times, I’m glad I have found my back to what I have learned growing up, and I thought this was a great reminder as well for me, with everything that has been going on. I believe the Bible and God’s promises.

For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life. John 3:16

I believe that God loves me and He save me from my sins through Jesus. It’s something that I always beat myself up for. The guilt of my sins—forgetting that Jesus had already died for them. It’s not an excuse to keep on sinning, but rather strive for a life that is pleasing to Him and ask for forgiveness whenever I fall short. It’s a constant struggle.

So in everything, do to others what you would have them do to you. Matthew 7:12a

The Golden Rule. It’s the most basic of things, really. One of the things I actually unconsciously do. I mean I am nice, but I can be nasty too. But most of the time I try to be nice to people, not because I want to be acknowledged as being such, but because I know how it’s unpleasant when people treat you badly.  And also because nothing rewarding comes out of treating people badly.

But seek ye first the Kingdom of God and His righteousness, and all these things shall be added unto you. Matthew 6:33

This is one of the things that I truly believe in, but find very hard to do. Honestly. I have witnessed lives changed because of how faithful they are to God, how they always put Him first and do everything for His glory. My mom always reminds me of this promise, and I take it for granted. I have experienced blessings and blessing upon me before when I served God, with the best that I could. And now, where exactly am I?

In all thy ways acknowledge Him, and He shall direct thy paths. Proverbs 3:6

This was one of my life verses way back, in fact, I made this my life verse when I transferred to Silliman University way back 2009. And things happened and I slowly slipped away and forgot about it, or rather I brushed it off and went my own way.

In every thing give thanks: for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus concerning you. I Thessalonians 5:18

I believe in giving thanks for everything, but I still question the part how everything in my life is the will of God for me. But I guess this is what they say about trusting His will even when you have doubts. After all, that is what faith is all about.  ( “Now faith is confidence in what we hope for and assurance about what we do not see.”  Hebrews 11:1)


Before, I used to have no qualms talking about my spiritual life. I am actually slightly feeling uncomfortable sharing this entry. And I am ashamed of myself for feeling uncomfortable about it because there’s really nothing to be uncomfortable about. Maybe because I rarely talk about it, and my life does not reflect what I say that I believe in.  Maybe that’s why it took me so long to write this. But overall I’m glad I was able to finally do this entry. It reminded me of a lot of things that I have forgotten.

Day 11: My Favorite TV Shows

TRUTH: I am a fangirl. When I love a series, I LOVE IT. I obsess about it over a long period of time and it takes a while for me to get over it.

So here are some of the TV Shows that I STILL obsess about:

Smash-Season-2-Poster-smash-32871336-570-298

SMASH – This is my ultimate favorite series ever. EVER. Smash is an American musical drama TV series by NBC. It revolves around the Broadway world, where you can see how seasoned writers, composers, producers, and artists of all kinds give birth to a musical, which in this series is centered on Marilyn Monroe’s life. But later on in the second season, a new musical is introduced,  written and composed by a pair of young newcomers. There’s a whole lot more in stored for you in this series aside from the plot, you can look forward to the music, yes especially the music, the creativity and just the genius of the team who made it. Most of the cast are veteran Broadway performers, some are key people in the Broadway community playing as themselves! And oh my gosh, Katherine McPhee & Megan Hilty are sensational!  It’s really exciting and very, very inspiring.  I can’t express more my deep love and appreciation for this show. It’s brilliant. It’s definitely a must-watch!

SPOILER ALERT: Jeremy Jordan is there! <3

Serenity-crew-firefly-4248146-1152-864

Firefly +  Serenity - Firefly was my gateway to scifi series. It’s not exactly full-on scifi, more like a mix of scifi and fantasy really.  There are only 14 episodes, and a follow-up movie called Serenity. It still  warms my heart each time I remember the Serenity(the name of the ship) crew. As you watch episode by episode, you will grow to love each of the characters. They were all such amazing bunch. *tear*

David Tennant on DW

Doctor Who – In a gist, yes. What David Tennant (10th Doctor)  said above. Doctor Who is another scifi fantasy series I got into since last year. It started slow for me and my boyfriend, and then later on we realized how addicting it was and just couldn’t stop watching. Packed with adventures, drama and life — oh so full of life. You just have to try watching it.

Castle

Castle -  As recommended by a friend, my boyfriend and I watched Castle to move on from Firefly + Serenity. ( T_T ) It stars Nathan Fillion as well, but his character there is so different from his character in Firefly. We immediately loved him and Stana Katic, who plays opposite him, and as his love interest. This is probably like your  typical detective/crime series, although not really, because it’s more fun and captivating — not just the plot, but the characters as well.

155866837074189997_arybfx3c_c

FRIENDS –  I will never, ever, get tired of this series.  This is my feel-good series to go to, starting a few years back. I actually downloaded all 10 seasons and marathon-ed it, and watched it over and over again. It’s just sad that the external drive where my copy was saved got corrupted. :( I’m contemplating whether to download it all again. Maybe I should.

Downton-Abbey-01

Downton Abbey – The only British period drama that got me hooked. Everything about this series is just intense. But the characters are all so endearing, from the downstairs to the upstairs. Well actually, except for a few. Ah, everyone’s there in the picture above. So nice to see those lovely faces again. And yes, fair warning, Julian Fellowes, the creator of this series, also belongs to George RR Martin’s school of writing. Go figure.

Honorable Mentions

Barry Allen    Grant-Gustin-as-Barry-Allen-Cast-Promotional-Season-1-002

The Flash - Because Barry Allen is such a cutie. Haha. No, really, I’m serious. That’s why I started watching this. Look at that cutie. LOL. And Cisco is super dorky and adorable. Haha. But I hate Iris though. Ugh.

Gotham

Gotham – Because James ‘Jim’ Gordon is such a BAMF! And Penguin, oh Penguin, you clever, clever boy! And E. Nigma, you are my adorable little nerd. UGH! I just love back-stories! The stories and the character developments of the villains of Gotham are very interesting, although few of them are probably not canon. Still, it’s so good! I’m so hooked. I can’t wait till everything unfolds.

(Also should be included here is BBC’s Sherlock, which I’m already too tired to add. I’ll just update this again later.)

Guilty Pleasure

TB

True Blood - I know I shouldn’t even be including this here, but yeah, at some point, this series also got me hooked. Two reasons: 1.) REALLY GOOD cliffhangers every fucking episode 2.) Alexander Skarsgard (I love me some Viking lol).  Seriously though, I’m really not into very masculine men. He’s the ONLY exception. I mean, come on, just take look at that.

Alexander Skarsgard

So yeah, that ends my fangirling. Haha. Well I did warn you. Sort of. XD

I hope you enjoyed reading this entry, as much as I did writing it!

What are your favorite TV shows? :D

On my down time and how I spent it.

After all of the events for the past weeks I am relieved to be taking some time off and just chill. Though I still went to work it’s not really that busy these days either.

So, lately I have just been scouring songs and videos of my favorite Broadway musical actor, Jeremy Jordan (Newsies, Bonnie and Clyde, West Side Story, The Last Five Years). If I’m lucky, I find really great songs written by such talented composers like Carner & Gregor, whom I have had the opportunity to exchange emails with when I inquired about a sheet music on one of their songs (Tie Me Up), which was performed by Jeremy Jordan and his wife Ashley.  The song is from their upcoming musical Island Song. The musical is actually very modern, basing on the music style that they used, and even more obvious with the setting of the musical. I am excited for the story, and I actually inquired if the book of the musical was available already, but unfortunately not yet. I look forward to it though! I’m just remembering what Derek Wills said in the second season of SMASH: “Musicals takes years to develop!”

Another song I discovered through Jeremy Jordan is Run Away With Me  written by Kerrigan-Lowdermilk. I haven’t looked them up and the rest of their works, but from this song, I know I already like them.

Another Broadway favorite of mine aside from Jeremy Jordan, is the lovely Laura Osnes. She played as Bonnie in the musical Bonnie and Clyde, opposite Jeremy Jordan. She has such an impressive and beautiful voice. I instantly became a fan. She also played Ella in the musical Cinderella, as the original Broadway cast.  One of the videos I watched of her was this song she did for Kooman and Dimond, another pair of talented composer. I love the song, and I wish I wrote it. I feel like this song is all of my feelings rolled into one.

Take a listen, and hopefully you will like it too.

Breathe

Help me, it’s happening again.
I wake up gasping for air.
I’m reaching for something
That’s no longer there.

Dreaming of pathways back to then.
Knowing that it will never be.
And it’s suffocating me.
If I could just breathe,
All I need to do
Is simply exhale
And let go of you.

But I don’t dare breathe
Instead I sink down
I hold tight to you
And let myself drown.

Catch me, I’m sinking far too fast.
Pulled by a darkness deep inside
And I surrender to the tide.

If I could just breathe,
All I need to do
Is simply exhale
And let go of you.

But I don’t dare breathe
Instead I sink down
I hold tight to you
And let myself drown.

The scars fade away, and the bruises all heal.
I hang on to the hurt cause I can’t help but feel
The pain is the only proof that you were real.

Hold me, as I fall through the void.
Wrapped up in its empty embrace.
Alone with my memories,
And infinite space.
Dreams of something I destroyed.
Dreams that I know cannot come true.
Dreams of a lifetime with you.

If I can just breathe,
Then I can move on.
I’ll simply exhale
And you’ll be gone.

But I cannot breathe.
I’ll never let go.
The pain is the only thing I know…

Day 10: Something I’m afraid of

Dark things under the sea. Or just the darkness in general. Or the sea. Or all of the above.

Under The Sea

I am terrified of being underwater, be it in the sea or just any natural bodies of water. While I may also think it is such a beautiful thing (because fishes and coral reefs!), I  cannot  stop feeling afraid of what’s underneath me, or if there’s anything that’s going to come and get me. It seriously freaks me out in a very bad way, my mind starts running wild, I start panicking and well, I just lose complete control of myself, pretty much.

The same with being in the dark, alone. As far as I can remember I always sleep with the lights on. Sometimes my parents turn off my bedroom lights when I’ve already  fallen asleep. During those times, when I wake up in the middle of the night, I start freaking out because of the dark. Most of the time I try to keep my eyes tightly shut, afraid that if I open them I might see something in the dark. I also cover myself with the blanket, stay very still and just hope that I fall asleep fast. Those were horrible times for me.

Although now I am not as afraid of the dark, as long as I’m with someone. But I am hopeless when  it comes to ‘swimming’ or immersing myself in the sea, especially if it’s too deep for me. I am hoping that I will be less afraid when I learn how to swim, because I do love being in the beach and playing by the sea. I am just too terrified of going further in to the water.

I have missed a lot of things in life because of these fears.  I hope sooner or later I will be able to conquer them.