That regular bout of blues.

I’m not sure if it’s because of the weather but I’ve been feeling rather gloomy for the past 2 weeks. All I want to do is just stay and lie down in bed and do nothing, or just sleep. Sleep seems to be the best way out of this gloomy 2 weeks.

I want to be alone and not feel lonely. Be independent but not cynical. I want to do something but I don’t want to move. Be with people but not have to talk.

Life, sometimes.

 

 

Day 18: Something I regret

I have made a lot of foolish decisions in my life. Those foolish decision has gotten me into a lot of trouble, trouble for myself and for other people. There were feelings that were also taken for granted, feelings that were hurt as a result of those decisions. Although, because of those decisions I am where I am now, and I think this is great. I am thankful that I was able to pull through those situations, and it has made me the person that I am now.  Still there are a few things that I do regret. I know regrets do not help in anyway with your growth as a person, that is if you keep dwelling on them. But if you look at regrets as a learning experience, it is only then that it will help you in becoming a better and wiser person.

Personally, the very few things I only regret is how I have mismanaged and abused my resources, most specifically time and finances. I grew up thinking that I only have little compared to the other children around me. I have grown so envious of them, those who were able and had better things than I. I thought that I was entitled to that too, that I should have those too. So with that mindset I grew up thinking that I can have things whenever I could, and whenever I have the resources for it, instantly. The time came when I had to manage my own  finances, and I failed. I failed so hard. So many times. I got into trouble so many times. I can’t even emphasize that enough. Even until now I am still struggling handling my finances.

As for mismanaging my time, I don’t think I wasted them,  but I feel like I could have done more before—prioritizing the more important things.

Like I said above, those decisions that I made back then has brought me where I am now. I don’t not like my now, but I know it could have been better if I made better decisions then. But I am still eternally grateful for everything.

So, I guess here’s to learning from past mistakes.

 

 

Day 17: Something I Look Forward To

Ah, I’ve been away for a bit longer than I should, very sorry about that. I have just been so busy with things and my new job in F.Un.Shop Dumaguete. F.Un.Shop (Faith Unlimited Shop) Dumaguete is the best creative music studio here in the city. (No bias.) They offer music lessons for children and adults, be it voice or musical instruments. They have the programs that I would like my future kids’ clubhouse to have!  And I am so grateful for having  been given the opportunity to work with them. I have only daydreamed about working there last year, but now I finally am part of the teaching force (although temporary part-time)! But still I am still thankful, to God especially for this opportunity. I have been bummed about things the past weeks (see previous posts) and this was an answered prayer. So thank you Lord, and for the people who have been praying for me.

So anyway, I am looking  forward to a lot of things actually. Let me break it down below:

26th Birthday. IT’S TOMORROW! Ah, I don’t know what I’m going to do or what’s going to happen, but all I know is that I am thankful to God, to my family, my friends and to all the people who have been supporting me. I’ve arrived at this point of my life because of them, and I am nothing but grateful—for this life and for them. That will be my theme this year: neverending gratitude.

Start of my piano lessons again on Monday. After being away for almost 3 years, I am finally picking up where I left off, or I may even have to take a little bit more steps back. But it’s okay, I want to do this again and do it right. I am excited because this time I won’t be doing it for grades or for anyone, but myself. To be able to enjoy playing the piano again is something I am really looking forward to.

Miguel’s Graduation. If things turn out really well Miguel is going to graduate this summer, and I am more than excited for him. He’s come a long way and he hasn’t given up. This is one of the things I admire about him, his perseverance and willpower to achieve the things he wants in his life. And he deserves this. I just pray that everything will be fine and he will be able to finish the things that he needs to do.

Going back to school on June. God-willing I will be enrolling this June and will be shifting to Early Childhood Education! YAY! I’m praying for provision and guidance in everything, that if God wills this, then things will just fall into place.

My trip to Manila next year with friends.  Yes! I am very much looking forward to this! It will be my first time traveling to Manila with friends. What we have in our itinerary already excites me! I hope everything will be in our favor! Praying for provision as well for this plan!

Finishing the book A Little Life by Hanya Yanagihara.  After being on hiatus in my reading, one book finally piqued my interest, and right now I want to do nothing else but to devour it. I miss the feeling of craving to read and finishing a book! It’s that good!

Those are just few(? haha) of the things that I am looking forward to this year and the next. It’s my prayer that whatever plans I have may it be in line with His will for me and I pray He would bless them. If it’s God’s will, then I know and I am confident that things will fall into place.

 

 

 

Day 16: My Dream House

Okay, I know I should be writing about my dream house, but I figured it was easier for me to show what I’d like my dream house to have. (Plus I suck at describing things. lol)

Anyway, I love Japanese Inspired homes. They’re minimalistic, and there is just that air of serenity when you’re in one. So, the design of my dream house will most probably be Japanese inspired.

On the top of my head, in my dream house I’d like to have a family library/study room, a simple living room, a separate study for me with a piano, the hubby’s own study and music studio/room, a modern kitchen, a tea room that will also serve as a meditation/quiet room or a zen garden,  of course the master’s bedroom with personal bathroom and walk-in closet (haha),  the children’s bedroom as well,  and a separate playroom for them.

I know, that’s one huge house, right?  But yeah, I’d like to have all those. It doesn’t have to be so big, just big enough for the family.

So finally here are some reference pictures I found online of the interior design of the house I would like. Haha, I am wondering now the overall look of my house if this was the case. Not included are the children’s bedrooms, playroom, music room, and bathroom. I could be missing some more, but for now this is just it.

 

 

Day 15: A Bible Verse

Psalm 23 

1 The Lord is my shepherd; I shall not want.

He maketh me to lie down in green pastures: he leadeth me beside the still waters.

He restoreth my soul: he leadeth me in the paths of righteousness for his name’s sake.

Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil: for thou art with me; thy rod and thy staff they comfort me.

Thou preparest a table before me in the presence of mine enemies: thou anointest my head with oil; my cup runneth over.

Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life: and I will dwell in the house of the Lord forever.

 

This was the very first Bible verse my mom made me memorize. I think I was 5 or 6 then. I mentioned on one of my previous entries (see Day 10: Something I’m Afraid Of)  that I have always been afraid of the dark. It terrifies me being in the dark, so I actually sleep with the lights on.  But yeah, growing up I have always been such a scaredy-cat. Mostly because of the things I watch on TV with my brothers, or the stories I hear from the other kids and grown ups. This Bible verse has helped me get through moments when I get really scared.

Now I’m grown up, although I still get scared,  I am comforted that everywhere I go—and not just in moments of fear, God will always be with me.

Day 14: A Picture That I Love

Piano Recital 2012

January 2012 Recital. Performing Brahms’ Waltz in A-Flat Major, Op. 39.

Out of all the 6 piano recitals I’ve done since 1st year to 4th year, I only have 4 pictures. This by far is my favorite.

I love this photo because this was my last piano recital before I took a break from school. This piece was one of my favorites, and in this recital I felt I did justice to the music, after all of my botched recitals in the past. This was also the piece I played when I auditioned for the music program when I entered Silliman, except that I didn’t get to finish playing the entire thing. Actually, come to think of it, this became my entrance and exit piece in Silliman. Haha.

I also love this photo because it reminds me of my love of playing the piano.In that same semester, I wasn’t able to make it to my final jury in piano.  I felt disheartened and thought of myself as a failure. I have put off playing for a long time after I took a break from school. I have a lot of excuses but in the end it was really just a lack of discipline and perseverance on my part, and it also didn’t help that I get anxiety attacks  each time I go to my lesson. I could have been better with my piano, I could have worked harder, I could have put up a fight with my anxieties, but no, I didn’t. I never did.

Hmm, seems useless to dwell on it now. But it still does bother me a lot though, because this is one thing I still haven’t given up on, and never will.  So for summer, I have planned to resume my piano lessons and maybe take voice lessons as well if the budget allows. And if things work out in my favor, I will be shifting to Early Childhood Education, but still have my piano and voice lessons.

So, wish me the best! :)

 

Day 13: My Goals

Recently I have been juggling thoughts about what I really want to do, or accomplish in life. It has bummed me so much that I end up wallowing in sorrow for the past couple of days—crying to sleep and waking up feeling so useless and lost. Well, actually the last bit was just the other night and yesterday morning. And to think I was excited to make this entry.

In the middle of writing this, I realized that I am actually more of a dreamer. I dream of doing so many things. I dream of having my own clubhouse for kids, open up an ukulele shop with a cafe that has a bookshelf as a wall and a reading corner, take part in musical theatre, dance tap and ballet, learn the art of cooking and bartending, do calligraphy, do web dev and programming again, teach humanities and music education in college and so on. Because of these many things I wish to do, I get confused, and my goals get all muddled up.

Although I am still so unsure of what I want to do, there are a few immediate goals that I do want to accomplish as soon as possible:

1. Graduate in Early Childhood Education. All the while taking piano lessons & voice. (Optional: dance lessons on ballet & tap). This is my way of venting my frustrations on participating in musical theatre. 

2. Pass the LET.  Maybe take the Musikgarten/Kindermusik short-term programs while at it. These are programs that I could use for my future kids’ clubhouse.

3. Take MA in Child Psychology or MM in Music Education in UST.   Even though I want to have the kids’ clubhouse I would also like the option of teaching Music Education in college.

Those top 3 are my priorities at the moment. I don’t even know when I could or IF I could do them. I think that’s what depresses and dreads me the most—why I was so bothered this whole time thinking about all of this. It was because I was scared, scared that I won’t be able to accomplish them and end up miserable in life.

Currently the feeling of unsettledness is creeping into me, and my self-esteem is plummeting fast and hard. Is it because it’s that time of the year? It was the same last year and the years before that, ever since 2009, the year when I was SUPPOSED to graduate.  I usually don’t get depressed because I know life is not a race, and it’s never too late, but the past few days has just not been kind to me. No, nothing happened to me exactly, it is more like an internal battle going on inside me.

But there’s no point dwelling on that really.

For now, I will leave you with that short list of goals and maybe I shall revisit and update it when I have thoroughly thought things through and actually prayed about it.