This is 2013 me, in my old room.
I have quite a number of nicknames because of the many group of friends I have. My full first name is Misty Karen, but on a regular basis, I go by Misty. University friends, colleagues, newly made friends and acquaintances call me that. As for my family and long time family friends, they call me Mika, which is my actual nickname. ‘Mi’ from the first two letters of Misty, and ‘Ka’ from the first two letters of Karen. However, my childhood best friend Bianca likes to call me Mikadoodledoo, it’s funny but sweet. Haha.
Some other people that I have been friends for a while too and a few of my church friends, they call me Meekai or Mikay, it’s just like a variation of Mika.
Me and my best friend from high school call each other Shai. It’s taken from Beshie then it turned into Besh and then it became Beshai and then to its final form, Shai. I have no idea where we got that, really.
Back in Xavier University, I became a part of this online anime community called CDOTAKU (it’s dead now ;A;), and we have our own usernames when we registered for it. Almost all of the members were from Cagayan de Oro, and mostly students from XU. Later on, the online community became an actual community, where we finally met each other and hang out as friends. The username I used there was Kazumi. I got it from the Japanese equivalent of Misty (from Pokemon) which is Kasumi, but changed the ‘s’ to ‘z’, so it became Kazumi. So the friends I made in that community calls me Kazumi or Kazumi-chan (-chan being an honorific for friends in Japan), or the shortened version Ka-chan.
I think that’s all of it. It’s fun to have different names for different cliques that I belong to, it feels like you’re a different person to each one. As Anne Shirley would like to put it, “There’s such a lot of different Annes in me. I sometimes think that is why I’m such a troublesome person. If I was just the one Anne it would be ever so much more comfortable, but then it wouldn’t be half so interesting”
If there’s anything I miss the most right now, it’s waking up each early morning inside my bedroom in our old house in Cagayan de Oro.
Those times that I drift away from reality, I always find myself there—moments when I was young and having not much of a care in the world.
I miss the family breakfasts, especially during the weekends; just seated around the table having coffee, or hot chocolate paired with pan de sal with peanut butter, and while eating, my mom is also getting busy in the kitchen after having gone early in the morning to the public market. Preparing to make brunch and usually I also help her out. That’s how I got myself to enjoy cooking. Native chicken adobo, chicken liver adobo, beef lauya, and sotanghon soup, these are just a few of my favorite dishes to cook (and eat) with my mom.
I miss the simplicity of my life, and how I have always looked at the world in rose-colored glasses.
My bestfriend from high school and I have always joked about how carefree we were before and now we’re panicking adults not knowing what exactly we want to do, and fearing that we’ll get left behind.
Although, in my heart, no matter how I want a lot of things, want to do a lot of things, I would always go back to that simple life. I would like to go back to that simple life. I think that’s why I am attracted to the Japanese way of living right now. (And also because I have been watching a lot of shows on Japanese culture. More of that some other time. )
This is an attempt once again to continue the writing challenge I have restarted with Stef early this year, but went hiatus during summer because of my busy schedule. This helps to calm my mind as well. So, hi. I’m back.
Being in the middle of what they call the quarter-life crisis, I now fully realized that life is full of uncertainties. That, and or maybe I AM full of uncertainties. (I am, though) These uncertainties can be crippling and can lead to a life full of backing up and recklessly moving forward again, and back, and forward, and back again… Sigh, you get the drift.
But sometimes it’s reassuring to see posts like this:
I’ve had my share of fresh starts. I’m 26 (that’s no secret), and right now, (again) I’m in a fresh start. I feel so left behind.
For the first time in my college life, I went to the counselor. I received an advice from a good friend who went through depression and eventually went to therapy, that I should see someone professional about the details of my anxieties. It was difficult to talk about it at first because, I am not exactly comfortable opening up to a new person, furthermore to someone who doesn’t know a thing about me. Eventually, I did—slowly. I won’t talk about further how it went but I feel a little lighter having been able to release some of the things that burdens me, and the things that causes my anxiety.
Take one day at a time. That’s what she told me.
I have forgotten what that is like. I used to enjoy my days, observing my surroundings, taking pictures of anything that catches my eye, and just take in the beauty of another day—another day to be alive.
Maybe that’s what I need right now.
I have lost count how many times I’ve cried the past weeks. It’s been hard to keep the anxieties at bay, thus the frequent episodes. I don’t know until when this will go on. Inside my head there’s a scream for help, but I shut it down because it’s just all in my head. Clearly, I am only over thinking. But tell me, how do you deliberately stop thinking?
I’m not sure if it’s because of the weather but I’ve been feeling rather gloomy for the past 2 weeks. All I want to do is just stay and lie down in bed and do nothing, or just sleep. Sleep seems to be the best way out of this gloomy 2 weeks.
I want to be alone and not feel lonely. Be independent but not cynical. I want to do something but I don’t want to move. Be with people but not have to talk.
I have made a lot of foolish decisions in my life. Those foolish decision has gotten me into a lot of trouble, trouble for myself and for other people. There were feelings that were also taken for granted, feelings that were hurt as a result of those decisions. Although, because of those decisions I am where I am now, and I think this is great. I am thankful that I was able to pull through those situations, and it has made me the person that I am now. Still there are a few things that I do regret. I know regrets do not help in anyway with your growth as a person, that is if you keep dwelling on them. But if you look at regrets as a learning experience, it is only then that it will help you in becoming a better and wiser person.
Personally, the very few things I only regret is how I have mismanaged and abused my resources, most specifically time and finances. I grew up thinking that I only have little compared to the other children around me. I have grown so envious of them, those who were able and had better things than I. I thought that I was entitled to that too, that I should have those too. So with that mindset I grew up thinking that I can have things whenever I could, and whenever I have the resources for it, instantly. The time came when I had to manage my own finances, and I failed. I failed so hard. So many times. I got into trouble so many times. I can’t even emphasize that enough. Even until now I am still struggling handling my finances.
As for mismanaging my time, I don’t think I wasted them, but I feel like I could have done more before—prioritizing the more important things.
Like I said above, those decisions that I made back then has brought me where I am now. I don’t not like my now, but I know it could have been better if I made better decisions then. But I am still eternally grateful for everything.
So, I guess here’s to learning from past mistakes.