How I define my first love: was given, was taken or lost (I’m still quite unsure which, maybe both) and then gained and became more valuable to be lost.
This is the story of me back then, and how my first love became one of my closest bestfriend.
I was not a girly girl. Having a childhood with mostly boys around me, I have enjoyed their company and played their games. To me, boys were cooler.
I had a few boy friends from grade school to high school, college too, but, it became more complicated by then.
I was into troubled boys, by that I mean those who were a bit of a problem. Most if not all of them always have a deeper problem, of which roots to the family. We were groupmates in this subject during my freshman year in college, and this was my group for the rest of the semester. All of us in our group were really close, and that includes me and him. Yeah, we got a bit close — too close. At least for me. Because I was beginning to be emotionally attached to him, however, him on the other hand felt otherwise. It became so awkward that it came to a point that he would ignore me, and I hated him for that. This situation deeply saddened me, and so I turned to another close guy friend that I have that time from church.
We were also very close. We talked a lot. He would share his troubles with me, and mine with him. We would pray for each other and always reminded each other of good things. We were really close. And again, too close. But this time, the feeling was mutual. But just when I thought that we were at the peak of our relationship (or lack thereof) things got so tangled up, he took back the things that he told me because he believed that it wasn’t the right time yet; he left me hanging on. Eventually, we lost it. Our friendship, each other. It became so awkward, and again, I hated it. I tried hard not to despise him, but it was so hard, especially when I found out that he got closer to another girl, from another church, and they were best of friends. Or so they say they were.
All of these things happened the same time I got to be friends with this guy from my computer science class. This was already sophomore year. We weren’t really ‘friends’ friends, I treated him more as a rival in the class. He was clever, I’d give him that. …Okay fine, he was good. (if ever you’re reading, don’t flatter yourself too much :P) Oh and I should mention that we’re from the same highschool, but we were not really acquainted and I always thought he was weird, like weird he-has-a-world-of-his-own weird. So, in class we would talk a lot. I asked him about a lot of things related to blogging since he was into webdesign and all that. I hung out with some of his group of friends. They were such weirdos, but I have a lot of fun with them. We all liked anime and we always hang around the computer laboratory watching and downloading anime. And after class, me and him, and sometimes with the other friends would go home together. We rode the same jeepney home. One afternoon, we were about to go to our dreaded Math class, I got sick. I had a bad headache and felt feverish. He skipped class with me just so he can bring me home. That time, I felt something different. Until much later, yeah, you can probably guess it now, we got really close–too close, again. I felt awkward and this time, I was the one avoiding. And then one day, he asked to meet me and confronted me, AND confessed to me. Like whoa, right? I saw it coming, but I was in denial. I was so heartless. What did I do? I just really avoided him altogether after that.
The school year passed. I failed most of my subjects and decided to transfer to music school on the upcoming school year.
Summer. Our high school batch all agreed to have a sort-of reunion thing.
I was there. He was there. Awkward.
But it all ended alright. By the end of the reunion, we patched things up. I hugged him, I told him I was transferring to another school and of course, he got sad and hugged me back.
Another school year. New school. New life. New relationships. Nooope, not really.
After patching things up together during summer, we kept in contact again. We still talked a lot and hang around each other a lot. And finally, admitted to myself that I actually miss him, and yes, I do like him too, and I want to get to know each other more. So we started going out.
It was of course a bumpy ride, like any other relationships. Only that, he was my first ever boyfriend. What do I know??? Looking back now I was very immature, so childish. Like any other girl my age that time I was very fickle-minded. I could not stand by my decisions, and I ended up hurting him a lot, even if it was not my intention to do so. I was growing up and still figuring out myself and my place in the world. He got caught up in that and after 7 months, we broke up. Months passed and I could not help but miss him. I missed him so much–way too much that I would go all the way to see him. EVEN AFTER BREAKING UP! The nerve, right? I thought that I could get him back, so I tried. I tried hard. But, he was done with me. He was tired. And hurt. Too hurt. And maybe too hurt that it led to something that was not supposed to happen. I will not go into details on that one, but there was another party involved. What happened hurt me too much. Way too much. It led me to depression. I started drinking and smoking which I really hated before. My life was in shambles.
After I found out about the entire story, I immediately confronted him about what happened. Turns out he was also a victim. Sort of. And then, we kind of patched things up, but the wounds were still so raw, so fresh.
Right about that time too, my school had some troubles with administration and it affected us, the students, greatly. And so, once again, I have decided to move to another music school. This time, it’s far away from home, and from him.
Being far from home, and from everything that I’ve gone through, it was the best feeling ever. But it didn’t really last that long. I could not run away from it. I dealt with it slowly. It was hard, but good things were brought forth from it.
Even after I transferred we still communicated a lot. You could say that after what happened we became closer than ever. He talked to me about the most random things, and I would do the same. And every time I would go home to my hometown for the semestral breaks we would always meet up and hang.
Last year when I stopped school to work, he would always meet me when I ask and I would meet up with him too when he asks, usually after work. We just hang around, be stupid, well most of the time he would be stupid and I would bully him. Haha. Well, we take turns, really.
I am proud of our relationship. It is one of the precious things that I cherish the most in my life right now.
He was my first love, but more than that he’s my best friend (yes you are, you idiot :P). From him I learned to stand up and be strong–to face everything that would come my way.
I do not regret that at some point I lost him. What I gained back right now– this, is so much better.
Those two guys before him, I have a happy ending with them too. I’m friends with them still. One of them, I still talk on rare occasions but he always opens up to me about things he doesn’t normally talk about to other people. And the other one, I am doing this challenge with. Haha.