Let me write –


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Down Memory Lane

A few days ago I looked through my albums in Facebook and saw the very first photo I used as my default profile picture. I decided to put it as default again just for nostalgia’s sake. But, it got me  into thinking more, and made me look back at how things were then. Around the time I was suffering from sadness and anxiety because of some decisions I have drastically made. It made me think if the person I am now would be the same person as back then, who knows how much better I would be. Then again, it was my experience from that time that made me how I am now. 

As an extremely sentimental person I have always love trekking down memory lane. Sure, there I always find the saddest moments of my life, but there are some of the happiest ones too. 

Sometimes I miss it, and also the people who were there, and actually, even the person that I was (in some ways). 

Of course I wouldn’t let this stop me from moving forward. There are just times when you have to look back and see why you are here where you are now. 

 


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What I feel for you can’t be conveyed in phrasal combinations; It either screams out loud or stays painfully silent but I promise — it beats words. It beats worlds. ―Katherine Mansfield 

 

This afternoon I tried to write about you, but I could never, for the life of me, get a decent sentence out. Everything just falls apart every time I think about you. 


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How it might have been.

All the songs makes sense once more, all of them always lead me into thinking of you and how it might have been, with you.  I can’t help but think how much we’ve changed over the years, yet still remain as we are. A part of me still longs for that familiarity in you, and wishing, oh wishing that we can always have this familiarity. Between the two of us, I don’t know which one is the so-called ‘the one that got away’. Thinking back though, no one really got away, rather one of us let go of the other. Maybe it was me who let go. But I did chase you back, again and again, all of which were futile efforts since I never got to get you back. Maybe it was too late, or I don’t know if I never tried hard enough, or you just never want me back anymore. Right now I’m scared, I want to take this leap, this huge leap but I may never be able to reach you. I may lose you and lose myself too. Every time I think we have gotten close again and I take a bigger step towards you, you back away, or push me away like you always do. And it hurts. This is not me making it up to you from what I did, but me right now, telling you I still long for you all this time, that I still do feel something special to you, more than this special friendship that we have. Both of us have expressed again and again how we both treasure this ‘special bond’ between us, but somehow I always think that maybe we could have something more than this. However it scares me as well that things would not be the same again, not that I wish it would be, but what if that familiarity will be gone the moment we both cross the line and face each other truly. What if it will all disappear and nothing will be left this time? I just cannot bear the thought of that happening. I don’t know what you think, or how you feel because you never make it known to me , but hearing you say that I am the ‘cherry on top’ makes me feel really happy. But how long will we be able to keep this up? Do I risk it or forever just wonder how it might have been?

 


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Of being AWOL, creative projects and birth month!

Yet again I have gone missing all of a sudden here in my blog. Something came up and I had to move out of my boyfriend’s place, and my current place doesn’t have internet yet. Hopefully this month I’d be able to get connection.

So what have I been up to lately? Let’s see…. I have a personal project launching soon, and I’m really excited about this. You’ll know soon enough. My boyfriend and I also has some creative project brewing and hopefully we will be able to pull it off. There’s also work which is pretty okay for now but probably going to be a lot hectic by the middle of the month. We’ll see when we get there. We have also been playing board games more frequently now, particularly Settlers of Catan, and we have a new D&D campaign coming up! I still have yet to make my character sheet. I am very excited!

Oh, and I almost forgot, it’s my birth month bitchesss~! I wonder what I’m going to do for my 25th birthday. Well I actually have 2 things planned out, but the first one is way over budget, and the 2nd one, I am still deciding whether to do it or not… I’m cooking up a 3rd plan as we speak, just to fit the celebration to my budget. I do not want to overspend as well. But I really want a  big celebration though. I have not had a big birthday party, except for my 8th birthday which was actually a joint celebration with my brother’s birthday. Other than that, nah, not much. That’s why I want to do things! 

I just hope everything that’s going to happen this month will work out well. My fingers are crossed! :D


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Day 3: My First Love

How I define my first love: was given, was taken or lost (I’m still quite unsure which, maybe both) and then gained and became more valuable to be lost.

This is the story of me back then, and how my first love became one of my closest bestfriend.

I was not a girly girl. Having a childhood with mostly boys around me, I have enjoyed their company and played their games. To me, boys were cooler.

I had a few boy friends from grade school to high school, college too, but, it became more complicated by then.

I was into troubled boys, by that I mean those who were a bit of a problem. Most if not all of them always have a deeper problem, of which roots to the family. We were groupmates in this subject during my freshman year in college, and this was my group for the rest of the semester.  All of us in our group were really close, and that includes me and him. Yeah, we got a bit close — too close. At least for me. Because I was beginning to be emotionally attached to him, however, him on the other hand felt otherwise. It became so awkward that it came to a point that he would ignore me, and I hated him for that. This situation deeply saddened me, and so I turned to another close guy friend that I have that time from church.

We were also very close. We talked a lot. He would share his troubles with me, and mine with him. We would pray for each other and always reminded each other of good things. We were really close. And again, too close. But this time, the feeling was mutual. But just when I thought that we were at the peak of our relationship (or lack thereof) things got so tangled up, he took back the things that he told me because he believed that it wasn’t the right time yet; he left me hanging on. Eventually, we lost it. Our friendship, each other. It became so awkward, and again, I hated it. I tried hard not to despise him, but it was so hard, especially when I found out that he got closer to another girl, from another church, and they were best of friends. Or so they say they were.

All of these things happened the same time I got to be friends with this guy from my computer science class. This was already sophomore year. We weren’t really ‘friends’ friends, I treated him more as a rival in the class. He was clever, I’d give him that. …Okay fine, he was good. (if ever you’re reading, don’t flatter yourself too much :P) Oh and I should mention that we’re from the same highschool, but we were not really acquainted and I always thought he was weird, like weird he-has-a-world-of-his-own weird.  So, in class we would talk a lot. I asked him about a lot of things related to blogging since he was into webdesign and all that. I hung out with some of his group of friends. They were such weirdos, but I have a lot of fun with them. We all liked anime and we always hang around the computer laboratory watching and downloading anime. And after class, me and him, and sometimes with the other friends would  go home together. We rode  the same jeepney home. One afternoon, we were about to go to our dreaded Math class, I got sick. I had a bad headache and felt feverish. He skipped class with me just so he can bring me home. That time, I felt something different. Until much later, yeah, you can probably guess it now, we got really close–too close, again. I felt awkward and this time, I was the one avoiding. And then one day, he asked to meet me and confronted me, AND confessed to me. Like whoa, right? I saw it coming, but I was in denial. I was so heartless. What did I do? I just really avoided  him altogether after that.

The school year passed. I failed most of my subjects and decided to transfer to music school on the upcoming school year.

Summer. Our high school batch all agreed to have a sort-of reunion thing.

I was there. He was there. Awkward.

But it all ended alright. By the end of the reunion, we patched things up. I hugged him, I told him I was transferring to another school and of course, he got sad and hugged me back.

Another school year. New school. New life. New relationships. Nooope, not really.

Well, somewhat.

After patching things up together during summer, we kept in contact again. We still talked a lot and hang around each other a lot. And finally, admitted to myself that I actually miss him, and yes, I do like him too, and I want to get to know each other more. So we started going out.

It was of course a bumpy ride, like any other relationships. Only that, he was my first ever boyfriend. What do I know??? Looking back now I was very immature, so childish. Like any other girl my age that time I was very fickle-minded. I could not stand by my decisions, and I ended up hurting him a lot, even if it was not my intention to do so. I was growing up and still figuring out myself and my place in the world. He got caught up in that and after 7 months, we broke up.  Months passed and I could not help but miss him. I missed him so much–way too much that I would go all the way to see him. EVEN AFTER BREAKING UP! The nerve, right? I thought that I could get him back, so I tried. I tried hard. But, he was done with me. He was tired. And hurt. Too hurt. And maybe too hurt that it led to something that was not supposed to happen. I will not go into details on that one, but there was another party involved. What happened hurt me too much. Way too much. It led me to  depression. I started drinking and smoking which I really hated before. My life was in shambles.

After I found out about the entire story, I immediately confronted him about what happened. Turns out he was also a victim. Sort of. And then, we kind of patched things up, but the wounds were still so raw, so fresh.

Right about that time too, my school had some troubles with administration and it affected us, the students, greatly. And so, once again, I have decided to move to another music school. This time, it’s far away from home, and from him.

Being far from home, and from everything that I’ve gone through, it was the best feeling ever. But it didn’t really last that long. I could not run away from it. I dealt with it slowly. It was hard, but good things were brought forth from it.

Even after I transferred we still communicated a lot. You could say that after what happened we became closer than ever. He talked to me about the most random things, and I would do the same. And every time I would go home to my hometown for the semestral breaks we would always meet up and hang.

Last year when I stopped school to work, he would always meet me when I ask and I would meet up with him too when he asks, usually after work. We just hang around, be stupid, well most of the time he would be stupid and I would bully him. Haha. Well, we take turns, really.

I am proud of our relationship. It is one of the precious things that I cherish the most in my life right now.

He was my first love, but more than that he’s my best friend (yes you are, you idiot :P).  From him I learned to stand up and be strong–to face everything that would come my way.

I do not regret that at some point I lost him. What I gained back right now– this, is so much better.

PS

Those two guys before him, I have a happy ending with them too. I’m friends with them still. One of them, I still talk on rare occasions but he always opens up to me about things he doesn’t normally talk about to other people. And the other one, I am doing this challenge with. Haha. 


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Day 2: Let Me Write–

It was the summer of 2001 when I first wrote my own story (of sort). It was nothing amazing nor awesome. It was inspired after the teen book series Sweet Valley Twins and Babysitter’s Club. My childhood bestfriend and I love the book series so much that everytime Booksale (they didn’t have a physical shop then) makes a visit in the city, we always hoard a number of those. It was also then I realized that I love to read, and eventually write.

I was never good at it though. In highschool I’ve always wanted to be a part of the school paper but never really got to because all the others were of course way better than me. I felt like I was such a hopeless case. Haha. My childhood bestfriend, whom I am very blessed to have, always supports me with my writing. Haha. It’s actually adorable how she encourages me and compliments me on my writing. I mean, I didn’t even write much either. I wrote poems and just random things. But she was there every time to give encouraging words.

I still didn’t give up though. In my later years of highschool, that’s when I started to make blogs. I forgot to mention that way back during my 5th grade, that was the time I started writing in a diary. I guess that was also how my craze for notebooks/journals/diaries started AND  I think it was because of that early exposure to writing about myself, what’s happening around me, or about how I feel that I had the fascination for blogging, plus, I also learned of different blogging platforms from a show in Studio 23 called Digital Tour.

So there begins my adventure with blogging. Diaryland, Motime, Typepad(or Friendster Blogs), Posterous, i.ph, Livejournal, Tabulas, Blog.com, Blogger, Tumblr and WordPress. Those are a ‘few’ of the blogging platforms I have tried. I jumped from one platform to another, finding satisfaction, which I couldn’t find with my writing. I kept comparing myself to my friends and other people whom I look up to. But then later on I have come to accept that I won’t be as good as I imagined myself to be.

So now I have finally settled in this quaint little blog of mine here in WordPress. No regrets though, I have found home here. And I still enjoy blogging and just rambling whatever. Or doing some challenges, like this one.

Let Me Write is the name I chose for this blog as it fits my desire to just let me be as I am, and just let me write.


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Day 1: All About Misty

Yes, that is the name I go with. But in case you want to know, my first name is Misty Karen. I get to be called different names by different people. My family calls me by my nickname Mika /mаɪ-ka/, but few people who are close to me call me Mika /mi-ka/, Meekai or Mikay, and with my CDOTAKU family they call me Kazumi, or Ka-chan. On a regular basis though, I go with Misty. There had been so many times I have been made fun of every time they find out my name, most especially if they are Pokemon fans, and if you are or at least if you’re familiar with Pokemon, you should know.

This post is part of my 30 day Writing Challenge, which I am doing with my friend Kazuo to start a habit of writing. We are only doing about 2-3 posts per week though.

Even if we both spend most hours of our day in front of the computer it’s not all for fun, but for work.

Day 1 of the challenge says that I should be doing an introduction of myself, post a recent picture of me, and list 15 interesting facts about me.

I already had my short introduction above, but I will be adding more later in this post.

So,  this is me! This was taken last Monday February 24, 2014 at the Liloan Port, Santander, Cebu. We were on our way back to Dumaguete after attending the 3rd Mactan Ukulele Festival at Cebu.

Hello there. Shall I sing you a song?

Alright, so here are some interesting facts about me: (although I still think this is subjective because what I might think as interesting might not be interesting for you)

1. I can play several instruments. Not saying I have mastered all of them, haha. But I am trying. Some of the instruments I play are as follows: piano, violin, guitar, bass guitar, concert flute, recorder, trumpet, and for the past 2 years been playing the ukulele. I love the ukulele most of all. I can bring it with me anywhere, play it anytime. There are still other instruments that I want to add on the list. They are pretty much of the same family as the other ones. On the top of my head right now: viola, cello, mandolin, banjo, and tin whistle. And one last thing, I am trying to collect handheld percussion instrument. They are very fun to play with.

2. I have a short attention span when I get excited discovering musicians who are new to me. This is why I have poor memory of songs I learn. Also maybe because of my background as a music student, I am so used to looking at music sheets, we are not exactly encouraged to memorize the tune of our pieces but to really read the sheet in front of us. That does not apply to every music student though.

3. I have a crazy love for notebooks. I am not kidding. I have dozens of notebooks, most of them are not even filled up. I like looking at the pages, feeling them, smelling them — such precious moments, I tell you. I like to scribble random things on some of them. I have one I carry with me all the time, it’s a Moleskine pocket notebook, it serves as my idea notebook, and sometimes  an all-around notebook really. Haha. I would give you a current count of my notebooks, but some of them are in Cagayan de Oro, but here with me I have like 8, of which 6 of them are Moleskines~ I like Moleskine notebooks! They’re a bit expensive though. ;A;

4. I love to cook and make up whatever ingredients I find in the fridge. I like to look up DIY recipes over Pinterest and maybe try them later on. I wish I have my own oven. I would probably buy one when I have moved out of this place I’m temporarily living in and get settled in my new place.

5. I LOVE garlic and basil. BECAUSE, WHY NOT?

6. I am aiming to live a minimalist lifestyle this year. I think it is somewhat difficult considering the fact that I like hoarding stuff, ie books, notebooks. But I really do want to live like that; it de-clutters my life and makes me focus on the things that are really important and essential.

7. I secretly (well not anymore~) want to be a singer/songwriter/artist. I do not have much talent for singing nor songwriting maybe because I have not really tried working on it. I did a few covers though which I posted over Soundcloud. I just want to be one of those people doing this sort of thing and be really good at it but not be popular, because to some that becomes the end-result for being good at it, you know. I like to live on a low-profile life.

8. With that being mentioned above, I actually have several other things I ‘secretly’ want to become. You could call it a dream ambition I guess? Like it’s not something I really would want to become, but something I fancy thinking about? Haha, if that makes sense. Here goes.

  • I also want to be a writer. The thought of living your life as a writer and then traveling from place to place is so romantic, but I know in reality it is not. I just really like romanticizing things. Haha.
  • I also want to become a humanities teacher, I want to be well-versed in art, literature, and music. This one, I actually partly want to become, for real. This is why I like studying all sorts of things on those 3 fields. It would probably take a lifetime, but it’s not really too late to start, right?
  • Another would be a girl who can code. I was a computer science student once, and I’ve always thought it is SO bad-ass to find girls who can really code hard, you know. For me, that is the most bad-ass career  for a woman.

9. My actual dream/goal/ambition is to make a (for the lack of better term) clubhouse for kids. No, not the untz untz kind. A place where kids can learn art, literature and music, also includes basic responsibilities, because you know, it is best to start to teach them that when they are young. They can cook, make up things, read books, play with other kids, sing songs, dance, and all other things. I have this image in my head that I just cannot put into words yet. I realized this dream/goal/ambition about 2 or 3 years ago, and until now, thinking about it still overwhelms and excites me. I really really want to make this happen.

10. I also have other goals that I am considering of taking before I venture into #9. A cafe with a library, and a ukulele shop on the side. This could be a venue for poetry nights, or trivia nights and of course, ukulele music nights. :D

11. I fancy calligraphy and typography, and I want to learn it.

12. It does not seem like it, but I am actually picky with my clothes. It is because most of the time I just throw in whatever comfy clothes I get my hands on when I go out. But I really am picky. I do not like mass produced clothes.  :-I

13. During my 10th birthday, I accidentally used a bathroom cleanser as a shampoo.

14. Right now I work as a sourcing manager of a company that sells products in Amazon. I get a chance to communicate with suppliers from China, US, and just recently Canada. It’s a pretty fun job, I guess. Well, for now.

15.  I am turning 25 this year, and I never had a huge birthday party for myself when I was growing up. That’s why I am going to rock it out this year! (if budget allows!)

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